Saturday, 19 December 2015

Last Minute Christmas Shopping


Anyone with any sense knows when to do the Christmas shopping. That would be in October and primarily online. Yes, the sales may kick in around late November but they are luring you into a trap with those phantom discounts. Now some of us decide that such things can wait. Even until the final week before Christmas. After all, nothing says I love you and Merry Christmas quite like charcoal bought from the local petrol station at 11pm on Christmas Eve.

If you do fall into the trap of last minute Christmas shopping, I offer this as a warning. Don't do it. Tell the kids Christmas was cancelled. Take all the excuses you handed teachers when you hadn't done your homework, bundle them into a Government style document and present it to your loved ones. Because if you don't heed my counsel, this is what you have in store for you!
  • The Slow Walkers
If you're out shopping within 7 days of 25 December, it is not for your health. It is for the urgency. Yet with this common knowledge, it appears that the Universe has unleashed an army of zombies onto the streets of retail outlets.  These creatures meander down the way so slowly, you almost want to check if they have overdosed on Valium. 

If they walked single file in a straight line, you'd be okay with it. That. however, doesn't happen. They move in groups and weave in a drunken stupor. They are like the middle lane hoggers of the motorway. Oblivious to anything around them, they block the way until someone punches them in the back of the head.
  • Blockers
Shops are generally set out very well. Big sign posts as to where stuff is and broad aisles to allow groups of two to three people by. So why do some people think that the best place to have a six person conversation is at the top of the escalator? The stupidly stand there as person after person is craned into the wall they've created. 

Hilariously, when you say to them "That's not a good place to stand", they give you a look like you've been really offensive. You can call a spade a spade but you can't call an idiot an idiot. The PC nature of the 21st century is further proof that a genocide style event is the only thing the human race deserves.
  • Beggars
I'm not talking homeless people. I'm not even talking the criminals who pretend to be homeless. I mean the arbitrary charities that use the Christmas veil as an excuse to put on half arsed money collecting exercises. Give people a nice Christmas is their mantra. Okay, does that mean I can forget about them in January? Should my conscience be clear in the Summer? It is utterly insincere. 

People need our help all year round. They don't feel it more at Christmas. They feel it pretty pointedly every day. Christmas is not a guilt trip I'm willing to tolerate but they'll try to make you if you go last minute Christmas shopping.
  • The Out of Stock sticker
"Everything we have is out on the floor" is a line I heard on a few occasions while out doing my last minute shop. Really? Everything? You're telling me that if I walk into that MASSIVE stock room you have, it is completely bare? Either the shop assistant is too busy to help these customers, which is appalling, or the company hasn't stocked up sufficiently. Fair enough if that statement is rolled out in the last hour of Christmas Eve shopping. Six days before Christmas? No, don't buy that (neither will the people who asked the shop assistant). 

It's not like Christmas snuck up on them. It doesn't move around like Easter. So when I see the Out of Stock sticker, I take it as a marker of incompetency. You'll see just how incompetent retailers are if you go out there.
  • DON'T DO IT!
Like I said, don't go out there. You'll end up hating Christmas, charities, people, in fact, everything and anything that moves, breathes or lives. You'll end up watching action movies, praying that the mad villain who wants to destroy the planet wins. Yes, you'll end up like me. That should be warning enough!

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